and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
