I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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