dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
