I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
