I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
