I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
