So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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