i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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