I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
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I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
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She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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