Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
