All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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