she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
