People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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