You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
