the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.