you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
