There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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