this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
