I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
