if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
