You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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