Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
