grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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