Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
