Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
