I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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