If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
