Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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