Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
