On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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