I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
