so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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