I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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