Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
