What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
