You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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