If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
