She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
