Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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