I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
