Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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