I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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