Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
