She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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