all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
