today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
