Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
