Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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