If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
