I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
