so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
