So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
