so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
