the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
