I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
