My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she smelled like a LAN party
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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