i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
