Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
